Friday Fiction: Rapture Edition by Alex Snider

Hey guys, so rapture tomorrow! Exciting stuff, right! I think the way it works is that there's going to be zombies? And then all the Christians get zipped off to happy hour in heaven on clouds or something (do they get jet-packs? They better not get jet-packs! I'm gonna be so pissed if they get jet-packs!) and then the rest of us get to just hang down here with the zombies for five months? Seven years? I'm just glad I've spent so much time (seriously, so much time) discussing my survival plans in the event of a zombie apocalypse although I feel that they'll be significantly hampered by my life-partner who plans on just giving up immediately. Damn my overblown need to nurture and protect! On the plus side, we'll be free of Stephen Harper right?!

I know that what with the sunshine and last-day-of-happiness-ever thing you probably want to be doing fun things like buying up whole litters of schnoodles to tussle with but I strongly advise reading at least one of these books to help prepare yourself both emotionally and practically for the barren, zombie-strewn wasteland that will be earth come tomorrow; we need to prepare ourselves people! Coming down from a schnoodle-fest induced high is never easy folks, especially when it's to a zombie eating your face.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy -- Yes, shit is gonna be bleak, but maybe before everyone you know and love dies, you can bond with them one last time. Find the little joys in life. Lesson: Always avoid squeaky-wheeled shopping carts.

Riddley Walker by Russell Hoban -- This one is the ideal book to read today because in trying to decipher the invented dialect, the whole rapture thing will be totally forgotten! You get survival tips and escapism! Win-win! Lesson: English will somehow disappear; make new English.

Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin -- Working for four years in a book shop I managed to avoid even knowing what this was all about until I saw the trailer and then I thought, hey, the apocalypse is early! Schlock like this will probably continued to be published and held up as an viable example of female 'empowerment' and friendship. Chick lit is already a fucking zombie genre that will never die. Lesson: Don't be fooled, it will eat your brain.

The Bible -- Never too late to try, right?

Book cover photos from

Alex Snider is a Toronto-based writer, a Contributing Editor for the Little Red Umbrella and the co-creator of the Once Again, To Zelda blog, which is where a version of this post originally appeared. You can read the rest of her posts here.


Post a Comment