1. I really hope I have a good-looking guy masseuse. Actually, NO; that would be a bad thing. Remember that episode of Seinfeld, when that male masseuse touched Castanza’s butt? That would definitely happen to you.
2. What’s her name?? “Kellay”? “Kellai”? Please don’t tell me she is trying to reinvent “Kelly”.
3. Being a masseuse would be pretty OK. Listening to chill music in the dark with strangers… eh, wait – NO! Do they even have security cameras in this place? This job is so dangerous! OMG Kalluah just touched my butt!
4. How can guys get massages? Aren’t they turned on by all of this rubbing? How can they not be turned on by … wait. I wonder how many bodies she’s touched today… OH GOD, I hope KrayKray washed her hands. *thinking of back acne*
5. Do you tip a person after they’ve touched your body with oils (that smell like Olive Oil by the way)? Will that make Kella feel cheap? Shit, you only have change… Yeah, tip cause then you’ll look cheap. Leave it on the pillow?
Whilst on my back:
6. Eyes open? Eyes closed? Eyes… OK, eyes closed.
7. Is this music from Memoirs of a Geisha? DON’T LAUGH. OK DON’T LAUGH. Kalli is going to think you are psychotic. Just frown and pretend something hurts.
8. You definitely look like the joker right now – mascara be soooo smudged.
9. STOP IT! DON’T SMILE! Keke isn’t going to do the whole 60 minutes if you don’t stop laughing at yourself. OH. OH. GREAT. She just cleared her throat. Done. KoKo thinks you are crazy.
10. Was that the full hour I paid for? It didn’t feel like a full hour… I smell like a salad bar.
Andrea Grassi is a writer and blogger based in Toronto. For more musings, click: agrassi.com