Starting Over At 35 by Melissa Hughes

I can remember precisely when it hit me. I was staring out the window of my big, empty office, watching an even bigger home go up across the street. We were living in one of those up-and-coming neighbourhoods, selected not for its charm, but for its potential increase in value. The fact that houses were being torn down and replaced was a selling feature, my fiancée said.

In principle, I agreed, but the atmosphere of destruction depressed me. All winter, while I struggled to set down words that would mean something to someone, somewhere, I’d looked over at what had been on that lot. It was a small, pink house that sat awkwardly on the street, a sloped-roof affair in a land of bungalows and stone McMansions. Its upper windows were left open to the elements, frozen curtains flapping in the wind, as if in capitulation, though the spray-painted markers and safety tape had already gone up by that time: nothing and no one could save it.

On the outside, my life at 35 looked great — a promising career, a doting partner, an elegant home, things, vacations, a big engagement ring, money in the bank.

There was just one problem: I wasn’t happy. I was good at my work but I didn’t believe in some of the fundamental aspects of what I was doing. I was invested in the idea of a partner I could share my life with, and yet I felt deeply alone.

The lies crept in softly. First it was a kind of sublimation, in the shaky ‘trying my best’ of my 20s — well, that isn’t exactly what I wanted, but that’s probably close enough — and into my 30s it became a momentum of “alrightness,” of being okay. A sort of, ‘hey, this is like what other people I know are doing,’ without a real consideration of whether it was right for me, or what a happier life would even look like.

And here’s the secret: I got good at it. You get really, really good. And then you wake up one morning and you pad into your office, and something in your line of sight has changed, and you have no idea who the hell you are or how you got there.

That’s reductive, of course — in reality there were myriad tiny realizations. But the sum was this: if you aren’t honest with yourself — cuttingly, painfully honest — life can’t be honest with you. I could not attract the deep understanding, the tenderness in a partner that I wanted and still want more than anything. I could not use my talents and insights to help the people and causes I care about, to effect the change I want to see. Not unless I was honest about who I am and what I want.

Walking away wasn’t the hardest part, though it felt like it at the time. He followed me around the house as I threw my life into boxes.

You can’t leave me, he kept saying. Oh, but I could.

For the first time in my adult life, I was going to do what was right for me, without a complex inner negotiation, without a decimation of self. I did not want to marry this man — no part of me did — and if I couldn’t find someone that every fibre of my being did want, someone I could deeply love and respect, I would rather live the rest of my life alone, with my ideas and my sense of self intact.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that facing into our decisions is where the real work and the fear and the self-doubt begins. It’s everything after the dramatic exit, the door slam, the (justified and unjustified) self righteousness, the rolling down the street in a truck with nowhere to really go, realizing you’ve wasted time and there’s no way to get it back. That the reason you don’t have the things you wanted — a loving husband, a family, a career that actually makes a dent in the world and will leave something after you’re gone — is you, your own shortcomings and your fear. And maybe you’ve missed the boat, entirely.

What I’ve described here is the decision not to “settle”; my experience is in no way special. But what’s worrying, and worth pointing out, is that settling was like air; except for brief punches of grief and despair that seemed to come out of nowhere, it didn’t feel like anything at all. I had lied to myself so well — in so many areas of my life — it seemed natural, normal to just keep pressing forward until the memory of what I’d wanted was like a distant dream, faint and ridiculous. 

But our dreams aren’t ridiculous. In fact, they aren’t really “dreams” at all. They are who we are —  the most fundamental expression of ourselves as individuals, before the negotiations and the bullshit and the doubt pile up on us.

The specifics of why I veered so far from myself aren’t important, except for this: I believe it’s part of a pattern, one we can’t fully see until the end of our lives. Of course, if we look, it’s almost certain we’ll find what we seek: We’ll see our triumphs and our failures in the context of the hands we were dealt. Regardless, I’m certain of this: If you are honest with yourself, no experience — good or bad — is ever truly wasted.

After walking away from a life I didn’t want, I let go. I fell deeply and honestly in love for the first time in my life. It was short and brutal and he broke my heart — he actually crushed me completely, for months I felt like I couldn’t breathe — but I saw the curve of what an honest love could be like. It’s the most beautiful and breathtaking thing, to place yourself gently in the hands of another human that you respect and like, and ask for what you want: to be loved back, cherished, understood.

I see now that this is all part of my pattern, and so are the good things, too. I moved to a place I like. I deepened my friendships and made new ones. I embarked on a new career path, working with people who inspire me. I found the courage to start sharing my fiction — the deepest held parts of me that I’ve been pushing down all my life.

It occurs to me that starting over was letting go, and letting go is a bit like prayer: Involuntary and also deliberate. You will get what you ask for, what your energy moves undeniably toward, the most desperately whispered desires of your heart. It’s only that the answer might look like nothing you imagined.

-----

This post originally appeared on Medium.

Melissa Hughes is a Toronto-based writer whose freelance work has appeared in The Globe and Mail, Ottawa Citizen, and on CBC radio. She has worked as a reporter for the London Free Press and the Barrie Examiner. You can read all of her posts here and follow her on Twitter @meliss_hughes.


49 comments:

best essay writing service said...

Thanks for sharing this article. Really glad to read this article and I will refer this site to my friends.Nice post , much interesting . thank you for your post . keep up the good work.I really admire your work and i hope in future i will return for more info. like this one.

Tamryn said...

Ultimately, you have to change to really live.

Unknown said...

A year or so ago I was watching the evening news and saw an image that filled me with anger and despair. The result was this piece of short or "flash" fiction entitled: "BEHEADED," which was just published in the wonderful online literary journal,FICTION SOUTHEAST. Online Shopping Stores In Pakistan

Unknown said...

Thanks a lot for the kind of perfect topic I have not a lot of information about it but I have got an extra unique info in your unique post. Perfect description you have provided thanks for sharing. Dars enizami

Unknown said...

Steinberg first joined the Times in 1988 as a researcher for James "Scotty" Reston, assisting him in the compilation of his memoirs. For nearly 25 years, most recently as its senior editor for education initiatives. Steinberg edited The Choice, the Times’ college admissions and financial aid blog, which he created for the paper in spring 2009, as well as The New York Times Learning Network. IT technical support

thesis writing service said...

Thanks for sharing amazing information !!!!!!
Please keep up sharing.

Mergers and Acquisitions consultant said...

The blog article very surprised to me! Your writing is good.
In this I learned a lot! Thank you!

Unknown said...

So then are you ready for the best chat outsource for your website

Nikita Arora said...

Simply wish to say your article is as outstanding. The clearness on your submit is just excellent and i can suppose you are an expert on this subject.
Gurgaon Escort Girls Available Online
Escort Services in CP
Alisha Batra Aerocity Escort
AC Repair Services in Dwarka
AC Repair Services in Dwarka

Anonymous said...

Melissa, you are one of the best people I have ever met. I am so sorry for how I treated you. Please, please contact me. Please.

Lexy said...

Thanks for this article. You can move this topic more often.

Sophie Grace said...

I have enjoyed most of these article but this one is completely lacking enough useful or complete information.drakorindo

james john said...

The article was up to the point and described the information very effectively. Thanks to blog author for wonderful and informative post.
CCTV Service Pakistan

kenwood said...

Leave that to us and try our professional best article writing service Best Assignment Writing Service

Rajesh said...

If you would like to book an escort likeEscorts Service in Aerocityfor an upcoming time, you can use our mail reservation type where you can specify a substitute woman should your perfect option not be available. You will need to provide us with your real name on the reservation type, but be confident we are very distinct and will keep your private information private and protected. Check our other Services...
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity
Escorts Service in Aerocity

#1 ESCORTS Agency in Mumbai said...

Thinking about what kind of escort Mumbai offers? Contact us for gorgeous travel companions, VIP top models and fresh GFE dinner dates. Mumbai, or the Lion City, is one of Southeast Asia’s richest and most developed city-states. Most tourists enjoy visiting Mumbai because the city can be explored within a day. Also, it only takes a bus ride to visit nearby Malaysia. Moreover, at night the city lights are among the most beautiful views you’ll ever see.
escort service in Mumbai ||

Escorts in Andheri ||

Call girls in Juhu ||

Call girl in Thane ||

Sakinaka Call girls ||

escort in Colaba ||

Grace Ella said...

I am exceptionally happy to know that starting a job in the Messia Huges offers a promising career, a doting partner, an elegant home, things, vacations, a big engagement ring and money in the bank. According to my opinion, this is the big opportunity for all the students. Dissertation Writing Services



Sara Christoffersen said...

Folkd Profile: http://www.folkd.com/user/VirgieSchmeling

Gaming Glasses said...

vidalista 40 of Tadalafil as its active ingredient. Tadalafil is a medication that loosens up smooth muscles in vein dividers in this manner improving blood flow to certain body parts.
* tadalista 20
* buy careprost
* vidalista 40 reviews
* stendra dosage

lust girls69 said...

Are you looking for a very beautiful and sexy woman for your company in Green Park Delhi? If yes, then you are at the right place. We are the most popular and much loved source of top notch Green Park escorts. Green Park is a wealthy neighborhood with all modern amenities for its residents. You need a hot girl who is also classy to easily move around in this locality with you. Don’t worry as we have a massive variety of Green Park escorts in all shapes and sizes to fulfill your requirements.
Green Park escorts

christopher hale said...

py to know that starting a job in the Messia Huges offers a promising career, a doting partner, an elegant home, things, vacations, a big engagement ring and money in the bank. According to my opinion
coursework writing services

Maxwell Lord said...

Starting over will walk you through all the steps necessary for your new life to begin successfully. If you are looking for someone to take my online course for me to get a successful academic career, please visit our platform, where you can get high-quality assistance.

Earthwork service texas in USA said...

Because we have numerous earthwork crews on board, Hasten Contracting is able to dedicate resources to your project. Our crew is equipped with the knowledge, tools, and technology required to handle even the most challenging Earthwork service texas in USA issues. Whether your project requires backfilling after installing underground services or removing soil to prepare for subterranean utilities, you can count on us to do the job safely and effectively.

Trade advisory services in Dubai said...

company and provides thTrade advisory services in Dubaigoods and services you need before forming a partnership. Due to its legal ties to numerous UAE-based companies, TACB is able to introduce clients and open corporate accounts. We assist clients

Esports Dubai said...

BEST platform forEsports Dubai
gaming do visit four04esports.

karate classes in Dubai said...

is represented by a colored sash and awarded to the student based on the resultskarate classes in Dubaiof a formal assessment, duration of regular attendance and their general character, behavior and attitude.Miyamoto Musashi once wrote, “The true science of Martial Arts

Mobile app development dubai said...

need to bring all this incredible value to the surface, and package it into a clear strategic direction that will define your position in theMobile app development dubaimarket and grow your business long-term. Our business branding services will help you create awareness, trust, loyalty, and advocacy for your brand. Your brand is an ecosystem of all the things you represent. From planning

patriciajenner said...

Buygenmeds provides the best online platform to ensure that all of your medicine purchase needs are met in one location. We allow you to purchase a range of tablets from a single portal.We are one of the world's largest online generic pharmaceutical wholesalers. Our mission is to find high-quality sildalist 120 medicines at cheap prices to meet the needs of patients.

It has undergone extensive testing and has a long history of licencing. Disclaimers must always be made, though, of course. Preliminary consultation with your doctor or pharmacist is always advised before beginning a new drug. By evaluating your medical history, they'll be ready to discern you whether or not Kamagra is a good fit for you and that it won't interact with any other medicines you're currently taking.
When taken as directed, Kamagra is actually incredibly safe. It has undergone extensive testing and has a long history of licencing. Disclaimers must always be made, though, of course. Preliminary consultation with your physician or pharmacist is always encouraged before beginning a new medication.

Russianescort said...

Helpful information!

Escort Service Gurgaon said...

This is amazing!

Dehradun Escort Service said...

Nice post!

Modafinila said...

Superb Post.
Arcalion 200 to treat Alzheimer's disease.

shazam said...

I have enjoyed most of these articles but this one is completely very knowledgeable. Visit out website for more info Abogados de bancarrota capítulo 7 cerca de mí
washington dc drug crime lawyer

Anonymous said...

I found it one of the Clonazepam ( Klonopin) 2mg Pills USAmost informative blog buy super high quality fake money online gbp

Preslin said...

This article brings more emotions. Really nice to read these kind of articles, keep writing more like this. Thanks for sharing this post. DUI Lawyer Rockingham VA

Take my online exam for me said...

This is the best comic blog I have checked out till now.

Jack said...

So, what is web design and how do you get started? We’ve got the knowledge you need to put you on the right track. From choosing your website builder and domain name, to understanding how to design each element of your site, this complete guide will walk you through how to design a website.

web design help

Anna Thomas said...

"Starting Over At 35" captures a poignant moment of self-reflection. Just as the author's perspective shifts, envision an office fit-out that revitalizes your workspace, transforming it into a dynamic hub where potential meets purpose, fostering creativity and productivity for a new chapter of success.

new evolution inter deco said...

The realization dawned as I gazed from my office window – just as villa renovation dubai transforms spaces, the sight of a grand home under construction stirred a yearning for change and transformation in my own professional journey.

roadbridge said...

Starting Over At 35 by Melissa Hughes is a compelling journey of reinvention, echoing the transformative process of INFILL DEMOLITION in Alberta. Just as the book's protagonist rebuilds their life, these projects reshape urban landscapes, breathing new life into existing structures

electra dubai said...

Melissa Hughes' 'Starting Over At 35' is a compelling journey of self-discovery. In a similar spirit of renewal, Eglo Electrical Abu Dhabi offers innovative solutions that empower homes and businesses to start anew with efficient and modern lighting systems.

Charbonnel said...

Looking for the perfect chocolate gift in Dhahran? Indulge your loved ones with decadent chocolates available at local shops and make their day sweeter.

envirosteam said...

Starting Over At 35" by Melissa Hughes is like giving your life a rejuvenating Car Wash Ottawa. It's a refreshing journey of self-discovery and second chances. Just as a clean car shines brilliantly, this story illustrates how life can sparkle with new beginnings. Don't miss this inspiring read!

SanyaKhanna said...

Starting over at 35 might seem like a challenge, but it's also an opportunity for a fresh chapter filled with wisdom and resilience.

hastencatering said...

Starting Over At 35" by Melissa Hughes sounds like an inspiring journey of self-discovery. And for those organizing Safety meeting catering services in Houston Texas it's a great opportunity to reflect and learn. Don't forget to consider Safety Meeting Catering Services for a productive and nourishing gathering to kickstart new beginnings!

combined pumps said...

Embarking on a journey of 'Starting Over at 35' with Melissa Hughes promises a tale of resilience and reinvention. While we celebrate personal growth, let's also ensure the efficiency of industrial processes with reliable hydrocarbon pumps Aberdeen. Just as the story unfolds with new beginnings, efficient pump systems contribute to the seamless flow of operations in the energy sector. Here's to the courage to start afresh, both in personal narratives and in the fluidity of industrial endeavors.

Ramona Hall said...

Vidalista black 80 is more than a pharmaceutical solution; it's an invitation to embark on a journey of self-discovery, enhanced connection, and intimate fulfillment. As individuals navigate this path, embracing the holistic aspects of well-being, celebrating successes, and fostering open communication, they are not just addressing ED; they are cultivating a richer and more vibrant intimate life. The destination is not a fixed point but a continually evolving landscape of deepened connection and satisfaction.

piyushupload1 said...

what is web design and how do you get started? We’ve got the knowledge you need to put you on the right track
myindigocard
jjsploit download

Cardetailingottawa said...

Melissa Hughes' 'Starting Over at 35' is a poignant journey of self-discovery and resilience. Much like the transformative power of the narrative, Ottawa Car Wash services brings a rejuvenating touch to vehicles, allowing each to embark on a refreshed journey, embodying the spirit of starting anew.

Post a Comment