So I made the choice to help people. That’s right. I took on a few questions over Twitter and email and compiled them for everyone to read. This is the first volume of my advice column and I hope to help you with anything you’re having issues with. Seriously, anything. But don’t go complaining if I say something you don’t want to hear. If you looking for someone to candy coat your bullshit then you're humping the wrong leg.
Who should I like better as Becky on Roseanne: Sarah Chalke or Alicia Goranson? And why?
Andrea (@andGRASSI on Twitter)
Considering Sarah Chalke didn’t learn how to act until Scrubs I’m going to have to go with Alicia on this one. She was the original and best. But in all seriousness she was the WORST character on Roseanne and was really just a whiny, ungrateful bitch, so who cares? The real question is why didn’t they kill her off?
I'm at my wit's end with a frienemy. She's a miserable person who hates to see anyone happy, especially couples. When I was the single girl, going on horrible bad dates, she was loving it. Now that I met a wonderful guy and we're moving in together and happy, she's taken a turn to bitchtown. She's using her misery and constant failures with men an excuse to fire off on everyone, including me! I don't want her poison in my life anymore. While she lives across the pond, she is on my Facebook. I would remove and block her, but we have mutual friends, and, after a recent blow up where I called her out for her terrible behaviour, but another friend (who is also on Facebook) is taking her side. I don't want to lose the good friend, but I don't want the frienemy looking into my life. Help! What should I do?
Sick of Cynical Spinsters
Dear Sick of Cynical Spinsters,
First of all, your friend is a huge bitch and needs to GROW UP. Good thing you aren't on the same continent or I'd tell you to punch her in the box because she is being RIDICULOUS.
My advice would be to shrug it off. People like this aren't worth your time and it's sad that a woman who isn’t 14 would stoop to that level and try to make you feel like shit for being in love with an amazing guy. She's the type of person who marries a fat co-worker at 45 because she realizes no one decent wants to be with a twat and this is her only chance at marriage with someone without becoming one of those women who write letters to inmates. Cut ties or her face – your choice.
I have a problem. It seems I can only seem to push myself to have sex with my boyfriend when he is asleep. Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Sleep Humper,
Exactly how ugly is your boyfriend? Is it a light thing? Like, do you NEED to have the lights off in order to crawl on top of him? I’ve been there. It’s all right. Just invest in some quality paper bags. You can even cut out a mouth hole for good measure. If he’s getting erections then he’s just faking it and probably knows by now that you only want to do him while he’s asleep. He’s coping and so should you.
If this isn’t the case then maybe it’s the beginning stage of a hefty dose of necrophilia. But I will warn you that corpses tend to not be able to get it up so you’d be doing most of the work. Might as well just stick to the living – or better yet get a new boyfriend who you actually want to have sex with. That would be the logical thing to do, whiner.
If you need advice on anything and everything feel free to ASK CODY by Tweet (@littleredu) or by email (email@example.com) and you might be featured on the next volume of ASK CODY.
Photo by Melanie Baresic
Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).