The term "touchy feely" has never been associated with me. I am usually found with my arms crossed, full of that loving body language, or with my hands in my pockets out of sight, out of mind. To be honest, I like being touched about as much as a Texan Republican likes show tunes. I’m not against it – it’s more that I don’t see the point.
I’m not a germaphobe, if that’s what you’re thinking and I definitely don’t have some sort of suppressed molestation story either. I simply just don’t feel it’s necessary to touch anyone unless I’m comforting them, it’s their birthday or I’m really, really drunk.
Shocked? Didn’t think so. I like having a personal bubble that no one can enter unless I give permission. I think of it as a comfort zone in which I am as secure and can be left alone like Kirstie Alley’s side salad.
There have been times when I’ve allowed people I don’t know to touch me such as the time I was on a packed streetcar and an old lady grabbed onto my legs to hold on for dear life as she nuzzled her head into my rear end for warmth – and whenever a family member needs a hug, but even then it’s usually just a pat on the back.
I once tried to overcome this by getting a massage. Apparently there is no such thing as a touch free massage so I went with it and will never do so again because she touched my face. Yes, my face. That’s the one spot on my entire body that gets you instantly tossed away from me if you touch it. I react like a lesbian seeing a penis for the first time. I can’t explain why, but it probably has to do with people pinching my cheeks as a child because I had blue eyes and Children-of-the-Corn-blonde hair.
To be clear, touching me is OK if we’re dating, but don’t you dare come near me if it’s hot, I’m trying to sleep or I’m trying to concentrate on work. Don’t say I didn’t warn you: I bite harder than Jaws on his period.
Photo: Carmen Cheung
This Neurotic Life is an original column for The Little Red Umbrella about the trials and tribulations of being neurotic written by our Managing Editor Cody McGraw. See more editions here.
Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).