So I made the choice to help people. That’s right. I took on a few questions over Twitter and email and compiled them for everyone to read. This is MY advice column and I hope to help you with anything you’re having issues with. Seriously, anything. But don’t go complaining if I say something you don’t want to hear. If you looking for someone to candy coat your bullshit then you're humping the wrong leg.
Why are men such jerks? Is it because their genitals hang out?
Dear Inverted Penis,
Have you ever thought that maybe it’s you? Maybe people don’t want to be nice to you because you’re sort of an unpleasant bitch and gave your uterus a really off-putting nickname. Just a thought.
Why do all my friends do cocaine?
Fed Up Straight Edge
Dear Fed Up Straight Edge,
Funny you asked because I’ve often wondered the same. My rationalization is that young people today think they are some sort of ‘80s Wall Street douchebag. Really, guys? Putting something up your nose is appealing? Sounds more like a new sex trend. Either way I REALLY wouldn’t want to try either or see it demonstrated by Phyllis Diller.
My girlfriends and I have been on a series of dates recently in which the person is either dating someone or being completely disingenuous. It’s pretty frustrating and I was hoping you could help steer us in the right direction in the way only you can.
Big Hearted Beautiful Doormat
Dear Big Hearted Beautiful Doormat,
You must be new to this column because all my loyal readers already know everyone is an asshole. People today have no idea what’s in front of them and are instead looking past you to see which bar skank is next. Yeah he might be making out with you but he is already scanning the room looking for his next tongue bath. My advice to you would be to give these assholes a taste of their own medicine. After each kiss punch him in the face and make out with the next guy and if he doesn’t like it then maybe he should get his attention span checked/balls removed until he learns to treat you like the self-proclaimed big hearted girl you are. Don’t go gay, either. Lesbian drama is the WORST.
If you need advice on anything and everything feel free to ASK CODY by Tweet (@littleredu) or by email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and you might be featured in the next volume of ASK CODY.
Photo by Melanie Baresic
Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).