As summer draws to a close I feel the need to discuss the absolute worst part of it. No, it isn’t the humidity, swamp ass, people giving themselves stupid nicknames or the sound of sandal wearers – it’s the inexplicably popular activity of camping.
I will never understand the appeal of camping. Isn’t it just practicing being homeless? Who in their right mind wants to sleep outside, on the ground, not shower and get eaten alive by bugs? Not me, but that’s not to say I’ve never tried.
I’m a rational person (as hard as that may be to believe) and I’m willing to try anything once and actually gave camping two chances before dismissing it forever. My experience with camping has been pretty traumatizing, including, but not limited to: falling in the disgusting lake water, smelling like fire, and hearing my friends have sex in the next tent over. If I wanted to do any of these I’d watch porn, set my apartment on fire and then take a shower. Why do I need to sleep outside to do any of this?
My other experience with camping includes a trip in which none of my friends wanted to drink. “Really?” I asked, but no. No one wanted to. They just wanted to sit around the fire I secretly threw some of their stuff into. Since I’m not the type to drink alone I just took a sleeping pill and went to bed. So it was basically just a Sunday night filled with America’s Funniest Home Videos reruns instead of a vacation.
Then there’s the bugs. Oh, the bugs. How they love my pale skin. My blood is definitely the sweet nectar they touch themselves thinking about at night. They walk away happy and I walk away looking like Seal’s face.
This is why hotels were invented, people. It’s not as if you can steal towels from a campground. You just get a sandy crotch, frizz head and the West Nile virus.
Needless to say you're more likely to find Hitler spinning a dradle than ever see me go camping again.
-----This Neurotic Life is an original column for The Little Red Umbrella about the trials and tribulations of being neurotic written by our Managing Editor Cody McGraw. See more editions here.
Photo by Carmen Cheung
Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).