For some reason people have always asked me for advice. Be it on relationships, food choices or which Power Ranger is coolest, I’ve been asked it all. Lately I’ve been thinking I’m not being fair to the rest of the world if I don’t open up my advice to everyone. You see, I’m a very honest person. I’m going to tell you exactly what I’m thinking and not spare your feelings at all. It’s one of the many things that make me me and people tend to respect that.
So I made the choice to help people. That’s right. I took on a few questions over Twitter and email and compiled them for everyone to read. This is MY advice column and I hope to help you with anything you’re having issues with. Seriously, anything. But don’t go complaining if I say something you don’t want to hear. If you looking for someone to candy coat your bullshit then you're humping the wrong leg.
I’m starting to have a lot of trouble in school. You see, I just don’t care anymore. I sort of feel like people should be writing essays about me instead of the other way around and I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I know I need my degree but what should I do?
All School-ed Out
Dear All School-ed Out,
Your first point of action would be to get the fuck over yourself already. Do you really think those people you research didn’t work hard to get into those textbooks? Is your last name Kardashian? You’re acting like an entitled asshole who needs an oxygen tank because your head is too far up your own ass. Success = work. Now do shut up and stop wasting everyone's time, princess.
My son spends all his time working on an arts magazine and trying to make ends meet. I worry because I’m a mother and want him to focus on getting married and giving me more grandchildren. What can I do?
Concerned Mother Type
Dear Concerned Mother type,
You happy now, Mom? I finally included your question. This counts as your Christmas gift.
I recently completed a cleanse during which I was not allowed to have salt, sugar or sex for 3 months. My boyfriend was super supportive through the whole thing and respected my choice completely despite the fact he was cut off from sex. The problem is now that the cleanse is over I still don’t want him to touch me, but I do want to touch his friend. A lot, actually. What does this all mean?
Love Flushed Out
Dear Love Flushed Out,
Umm, are you kidding me? That means it’s OVER. Done. Kaput. Trucker hats. Furthermore, your boyfriend SO wasn’t ok with not having sex with him for three months. He was obviously getting some on the side or he would have lost his shit every time you saw each other. Maybe you should do his friend. He was totally cheating on you so it’s only fair. Plus your willingness to not bang him for three months should have been a huge red flag. There must have been that thing in your head saying, “Yeah. I don’t want that up inside me for a while” for you to even consider this. Next time just sit yourself down and sift through the relationship before killing yourself with a cleanse that keeps your heart as regular as your bowels.
If you need advice on anything and everything feel free to ASK CODY by Tweet (@littleredu) or by email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and you might be featured in the next volume of ASK CODY.
Photo by Melanie Baresic
Cody McGraw is many things but the thing you can actually call him to his face is the Managing Editor of The Little Red Umbrella. See more posts from him here or follow him on Twitter (@cody_mcgraw).